5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My 3rd Child (With Lots of Cute Baby Pictures)

What I’ve rediscovered about being a leader over the past year.

“I have a few things to do and I am doing them.”

Or so I have taught and written about over the past ten years. I even had a strong piece that was quite lucrative and led to big-name interviews. [ Find that here: A Technique for Deciding When to Say No ]

Little did I know that I was actually trying to teach myself.

Maybe it is because I recently turned 30 and my graying hair is reflecting some newfound wisdom.

Or maybe it is because of something more significant.

The universe has been trying to get my attention and my 3rd child found a way to rip into reality the very thing I needed to learn.

[Which means it’s time for cute baby picture #1]

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Part One — An Addiction to Work

I never took a paternity leave with my first two children. My first child was born a bit suddenly (no seriously, you can read about it here) and my second child came under circumstances where I believed I couldn’t afford to take time off.

I had recently obtained an additional position to help with income. I also had a young naiveté that I was going to change the world. Thus, I bought into the myth that I had to crush every single day with work, even if it was at the expense of the very people I was doing that work for.

Leaders, especially in the non-profit sector, often get caught in the lie that other people, especially ones that can contribute to numerical success, are more important than the people they’re committed to with an arrangement of loyalty and love.

But my family would forgive me and I might not get a second chance to win these folks over; so I did whatever I could do to win their approval. There was a ladder to climb and success to obtain.

You often don’t see the anxiety that builds in a leader who believes they have to climb and convince and scale and carry the burden of growth, no matter the expense.

And the leader fails to see the moments of life fade into oblivion.

During my climb, I began receiving coaching to help me figure out what wasn’t working and what I could do to arrive at my obscure goal of success.

The coach responded to my typical question with his own question, 

“How many people on your board could articulate your vision?”

To prove the point, he literally asked them.

With all the leaders that had anything to do with the organization, the coach revealed a glaring problem. My stomach sank as I sat and watched each person around the table show that they weren’t actually sure who we were.

[Alright, I’m getting depressed, I need another baby picture]

Much better…

See, self-care is usually about rest and reprieve to form a healthy individual. No one told me that my workaholic disposition, my constant control and desire to do everything, was actually destroying the very thing I was hoping to save.

There is a paradox that the only way to grow is to lie fallow; that a plant will suffer if you try to grasp your hands around it. But when you let go, its life actually improves.

Delegating as a leader is incredibly counterintuitive.

Because we want to take ownership. We want to martyr ourselves so that we look like the hero. And we’re left with a culture of consumers; folks receiving without any input or voice. Which leaves the leader with, now, even more to do.

Fear arises when you consider putting your work in the hands of others. You know you would do it better. In turn, we steal the opportunity for others to learn. And when we make ourselves irreplaceable, we steal the benefit of many hands making light work. Even though more voices, properly nurtured, would be the very thing to compel the organization further than you could ever imagine.

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Part Two — Choose Your Divorce

I was starting to wake up.

My self-absorbed infatuation with work after my second child nearly led to divorce. Fortunately, my saint of a spouse had not given up the hope of change. In fact, she demanded it. And I listened.

We spent a couple of years rewiring our household and learning from my mistakes. 

Maybe Quinn is mad for how I parented previously…glare accepted, Quinn.

My journey began with realizing the problems this was causing the organization. For it had become real that an organization’s dependence on a leader ascertained its downfall. If I was irreplaceable, then this would die with me and it would never transcend my capabilities.

And now it had become obvious that this version of leadership could tear apart bonds held my very life.

[ah, we need baby picture #3 before we can continue with this treachery!]

When it came time for our 3rd child, we knew that we could not mimic the lifestyle which had become so treacherous. The divorce that would end my family could only be rendered impossible if I divorced the pattern of life that was actively destroying my family. Parameters were set, plans were made, and the long journey of rediscovering what my life ought to look like had begun taking shape.

But I still wasn’t smoking what I was selling — I only offered lip service to ideals that I rebelled against instilling in my bones. After a couple of years of vast and internal work, I knew the necessary information, but I had yet to move that information from my head to my hands.

I still needed to control everything.

I still needed every decision to run through me.

And I still feared that if the existence of the organization wasn’t dependent on me, maybe I was, in fact, worthless.

My rediscovery began with waking up, but I still needed an experience to force me to shift into different behavior.

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Part Three — Complete Desperation Breeds Recovery

That’s when things go bad.

Discontent among the community grew — for they were looking to have permission to belong instead of just receive.

Then our finances began looking more and more dreadful — which culminated with me having to fire a co-worker who had become a dear friend.

Then I went to the hospital.

It wouldn’t be a good story without a transformative health scare, right?

Alas, the archetype holds true, for the multiple stomach ulcers had been eroding my stomach lining. The doctors confronted my diet, but that wasn’t the issue. It was stress. And when the doctors confirmed that if I don’t change something that I’d end up with a hole in my stomach and internal bleeding, I decided to listen.

I speak adamantly about holistic health and here I was, a youngin’ who ate with health in mind while embodying a lifestyle that was killing me.

Ain’t gonna achieve those numbers if I’m dead, ya know.

But the real truth is that my leadership functioned within a set of concentric circles. My overarching job description is to order the life of the community. But how am I to do that if I do not first order the life of my family? And is it even possible to order the life of my family if I don’t care to order the life of my self?

So I stepped back.

Like any addict, I had reached complete desperation — and it catalyzed the manifestation of a different future.

Our leadership recognized that I was doing a variety of roles poorly and not effectively enacting my strengths. As a result, my job list lessened from 15 items down to 3. To make up for the void, we hired 2 people that would have power over those roles that I thought only I could do. And we intentionally left components uncovered so as to trust in others and give them the opportunity to take ownership.

To my disdain, it not only worked but took off and accomplished the very things I had worked so hard to attain the last several years.

[Haven’t had a freshly born picture yet, have we?]

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Part Four — My child was right, after all.

By the time my third child was born, I was actually in a position to clear my schedule, to let go, and to be content with the direction of an organization that now transcended me.

No matter how much I wanted to be a part of things, I couldn’t; even being threatened if I tried to show up at a staff meeting. I found liberation — to actually contribute myself instead of hiding behind the generic mask of work ethic.

And my liberation coalesced with the whole organization’s liberation — because the organization and everyone in it began to see with untinted eyes.

We were all released to flourish and I have become a more effective leader.

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So Here’s What I’m Learning:

1. Nothing will kill the adventure and organization faster than control.

Delegating isn’t only good business acumen, it’s the secret, counterintuitive sauce.

Letting go will give opportunity for others to unleash and for you as the leader to see more than just yourself.

Will there be a learning curve? Yes. But like the pain of a workout, you are building a healthier culture and a stronger base than if it were only you carrying everything on your own.

2. We only get the version of you that you really are.

And we only get that if you focus on the inputs, not just the outputs.

Outputs are usually the result of attempting to pound more nails in the wall instead of properly learning how to hang a picture. In turn, we are constantly trying to sell ourselves to people who don’t matter as much as the family you may be neglecting. We believe that if we just keep performing, the show will come together. 

But if you don’t have the inputs, if you aren’t the best version of you, you won’t be able to put out anything other than rubbish.

We must take time to fill the cup of our lives before we go around pouring out water. An empty cup isn’t very nourishing. 

3. Have a group of people who will tell you the truth before your enemies do.

You need people who can say, “I know you think you are worthless if you give some power away, but we don’t see it that way.” You need people to counter the negative self-talk in your head.

But you also need people who are willing to confront you. People who will say, “Hey, this isn’t working. You’re making a mess of things. Why are you doing this?”

Who exists in your life that you can vulnerably trust to have your best interests in mind, even if they speak truth that you don’t want to hear? 

4. Never underestimate the power of your presence.

Statistics will come and go, but relationships and trust and empowerment will endure. No one will remember how much work stuff you got accomplished at your funeral. They will remember the effect you had when you were in the room.

Can you see that the thing you are so anxious about will still be okay even if it doesn’t hit your projections? Can you see that it might be better to be average with a thriving culture and healthy system than to ‘crush it’ with a fragile system or a dead leader?

Your presence, as opposed to a laser-focused alpha work style, will always be more important and more effective than a bottom line.

5. Be content, you mortal soul.

For it is better to work without anxiety than to be so encumbered with success and achievement that it blockades your ability to thrive.

Honestly, you’re gonna die someday and running that much harder for a smaller gain ain’t gonna make that much of a difference.

But if you can be content with where you are, you just might release yourself to flourish and get closer to those distant feats than you would have otherwise.

Be okay with being average, for that is well above average.

Be okay with less, for you may otherwise never have enough.

See that the world doesn’t revolve around you and how hard you work — for it will go on without you.

Remind yourself that you didn’t create the world.

And be like the gardener who lets plants grow without having to mess with them incessantly.

The fruit will bear when you sit quietly among the garden and give what love you can.

Which might be the best description I can come up with for leadership.